|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |
|
 |
||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| |
|
|
|
"everyday matters
magazine -- severn covenant church -- ben carson -- men -- emotions --
|
|
*************************************************************************************** |
|
e v e r y d a y i s s u e s
f o r e v e r y d a y p
e o p l e |
 |
|
|
The stigma of male
depression masks its devastating reach: More than
twenty million men will become depressed in their
lifetime. And its crippling effects will touch their
families, their work, and their relationships with
God.
|
Dr. Archibald Hart, a Professor of Psychology,
lecturer and prolific author, knows this from personal
experience. Through his own struggles with depression
he has felt the sting of bias, stigma, and denial. And
through his decades of clinical research and practice,
he has found hope and healing for other men who
suffer. Below are some of the thoughts from Dr. Hart’s
book, Unmasking Male Depression:
|
 |
_____________________________________________________
Depression is a healing emotion if we cooperate with
it. Men are more typically oriented toward
“problem-solving.” A friend of mine and I were
chatting recently about a problem he was having. I
tried to get him to explore how the problem originated
and reflect on where it was going to end – typical
stuff of psychotherapy. He cut me short with, “That’s
all fine and good. If we had time, I’m sure I could
benefit from such exploration – but just tell me what
I need to do and I’ll do it!” Like it or lump it,
that’s just how men are.
One night a wife found her husband
standing over their new baby’s crib. Silently, she
watched him. As he stood looking at his sleeping,
newborn infant, she saw on his face a mixture of
emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement,
enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and
the deep emotions it aroused, she wondered what he was
feeling. With glistening eyes she slipped her arm
around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she
whispered.
“It’s amazing!” he exclaimed. “I
just can’t see how anybody can make a crib for
$49.99.”
It is because there are
both truths a lies in this story that we find it
humorous. The truth is that most men find talking
about deep, personal, “mushy feelings embarrassing.
The lie is that men don’t feel deep, gut-wrenching
feelings. Believe me, we do! Our problem is not that
we don’t feel, but that we have not been taught how to
recognize and verbalize these feelings without
sacrificing our masculinity. And who gets to say how
we should verbalize our feelings anyway? One of the
biggest mistakes we can make is to expect men to
express their feelings the same way women do.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Men who try to be
emotionally healthy struggle with the tension of
receiving and accepting painful feelings, while trying
to remain in control and retaining traditional masculine
strength and resiliency, while becoming more honest in
recognizing their feelings and vulnerability. It is not
fair to ask men to surrender their masculinity in favor
of sensitivity. Rather, they need to be shown how to
integrate sensitivity into their masculinity. Expressing
one’s feelings and becoming more open is difficult.
There are several myths
about feelings that we need to debunk if we are going
help men develop a healthier openness to their feelings.
Myths are destructive because, if we believe them, they
shape our behavior. Here are a few that we need to get
rid of if we are going to conquer depression in a
positive way:
|
Myth 1: Feelings are primitive aspects of our being. No, they
are not primitive. They are complex and essential to
being human. They express the highest ideals of our
complex brains.
Myth 2:
Feelings are always sporadic and irrational. No,
they are not always irrational. Our emotions are
perfectly rational and the natural consequence of
what we are thinking and experiencing. Perhaps it is
our thinking that is irrational when our feelings
seem out of control.
Myth 3: You
have no control over your emotions. Not true.
This is called the “myth of passivity,” and our
whole emotional language is full of it: we “fall” in
love, we are “driven” by anger, we are “carried
away” with fear, and so on. All imply that we are
controlled by our emotions, not that we control
them. We are battling powerful and uncontrollable
forces within us. While we cannot directly turn on
or off any emotions, we can control the road that
leads to an emotion. What we feel is the product
mainly of how we think and interpret the world
around us.
Myth 4: Our
feelings don’t really serve a purpose, so you might
as well just ignore them. Not true. Every
emotion has a cause and a purpose. Joy is caused by
certain cheerful life events, and its purpose is
simply to make us happy – a state that health
scientists are saying is essential to a healthy
immune system. Anger is caused by something or
someone violating our needs, and its purpose is to
mobilize us to protect ourselves and those we love.
Guilt is caused by a violation of our internal value
system, and its purpose is to drive us to make
amends. As you can see, our emotions generally have
a clear, rational cause – and a God-given purpose.
|
Let me outline some
strategies for increasing your emotional intelligence –
your ability to recognize and accept your emotions.
- Keep a journal. Regularly
write down what you are thinking and feeling is
probably as good as several hours of psychotherapy.
The very act of “externalizing” your reflections on
your feelings builds your ability to recognize them in
the heat of the moment.
- Increase your emotional
vocabulary. It’s not surprising that many men have
difficulty with their feelings, not because they don’t
have the vocabulary to express them. Whenever confused
about your feelings, note the words that capture what
you are feeling. Here are some examples that take us
beyond the main words (happy, sad, mad and glad) may
give a more accurate label on painful feelings:
abandoned, depleted, argumentative, exposed, furious,
inadequate, petrified, annoyed, bothered, stunned,
resentful, used, weary, ambivalent, etc.
- Reflect on your feelings
periodically. Sometimes we are, as men, just too
busy to bother with what we feel. Build into your
daily routine some time for emotional reflection, and
I don’t mean reflection on painful emotions. We should
also reflect upon times of joy, contentment,
interests, etc. In Philippians 4:8 Paul tells us to do
this: “Whatsoever is
true,…noble,…right,…pure,…lovely,…admirable…think
about such things.”
- Spend more time with friends
who are emotionally smart. We all know people who
are emotionally in touch with themselves. Hang out
with them. Learn from them. This is how we mentor
spirituality and help one another become spiritually
mature. It should also include helping each other
become emotionally mature.
- Build a support group where
you can be totally honest and transparent. If
there is one place you can learn how to increase your
emotional intelligence, it is with a group of
like-minded men who know and understand each other.
Again and again, I have heard a man who has been
through horrendous depression say, “It was my support
group that helped me survive.”
|
|
Article and side bars used by author’s written
permission.
From the book: Unmasking Male Depression, © Copyright 2001,
Archibald Hart (author),
Word Publishing –
The Hart Institute |
____________________________________________________________
Common “Masks” for
Male Depression
- Anger, rage and pent-up
resentment
- Workaholism
- Avoidance of family intimacy
- Failure to achieve intimacy
in marriage
- Family abusiveness
- Pouting, brooding and
silence
- Sexual compulsions (a form
of self-medication)
- Extramarital affairs (as a
way for relieving the pain of depression)
- Physical illness, including
the early development of heart disease
- Sabotaging one’s career
- Frequent job changes
- Feeling victimized by others
- Discharging stress through
negative and resistant actions
- Reacting rather than acts
toward life’s circumstances
- Alcoholism or drug addiction
- Cybersex (Internet
pornography)
|
 |
Male-Specific Depression Inventory
This inventory is
specifically designed to determine if a male is
depressed. It also helps to determine the seriousness of
the depression. Like all inventories, it is not
foolproof. If you believe that you might be depressed,
seek professional help. Don’t rely only on this
inventory to determine if you are depressed. Rate each
of the questions that follow by circling the number that
applies.
| 0. |
Rarely or none of the time |
| 1. |
A little of the time (i.e. once
every few months or so) |
| 2. |
Occasionally
(i.e. once a month) |
| 3. |
A moderate amount of time (i.e.,
once every one or two weeks) |
| 4. |
A lot of the time (i.e. on and off
every few days) |
| 5. |
Nearly all of the time |
At the end of this
inventory, total your score on a separate piece of paper
by adding all of the numbers you have circled on each
question below.
|
QUESTIONS |
RATING |
|
I am bothered by things that never used to bother
me. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
|
My sleep is restless. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
can get angry even if I don’t show it. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
have trouble keeping my mind on what I am doing. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
seem to be unhappy. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
feel like my life has been a failure. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
need “things” to help me feel better. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
am less social than I used to be. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
get irritable very easily. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
feel that everything I do takes a lot of effort. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
become engrossed in my work. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
just sit around and do nothing. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
withdraw and find something exciting or thrilling
to do. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
feel that nothing really matters. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
sulk, pout, or am moody to the point I can’t help
it. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
do not enjoy life. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
need sex to cheer me up. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
have trouble getting started in the morning. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
allow things to distract me from what I should be
doing. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
| I
have anger outbursts I can’t control. |
0 1
2 3 4 5 |
TOTAL SCORE: ________
Interpretation -- Your score
will be somewhere between 0 and 100.
If your total score is:
0 - 19
You are probably in the nondepressed range
20 - 34
You may be subject to periodic, mild depression.
Keep an eye on it.
35 - 49
You may just be n the moderately depressed range.
Consider getting a professional consultation.
50 - 69
You are moderately depressed, probably in the
clinical range. Definitely get a professional
evaluation.
70 + Your
depression is severe, and you should seek a professional
consultation right away.
A Remarkable
Project for Your Congregation
Click Here For More Info
--
www.LoveThisMag.com
EDITOR IN CHIEF: Joel A Freeman, Ph.D.
CONTACT
410.991.9718
EMAIL
|
|
Manute Bol
Joni Eareckson Tada
___________________________________________________________
|
|
"everyday
issues for everyday people"
everyday magazine Box 305, Gambrills, Maryland 21054
TEL 410-729-4011 Cell: 410-991-9718 FAX
410-729-0353
EMAIL
|
"everyday matters
magazine -- archibald hart -- men and their emotions -- unmasking male
depression -- severn covenant church" |